Technical Support Survival Guide

When we surveyed scores of technical support specialists on how they got through the average day of gruelling support requests, the results were to say the least, interesting. In order to remain sane, they often resorted to surprisingly unorthodox ways of dealing with the constant barrage of obnoxious users and technical fuck-ups. Here we present two of the best coping mechanisms that can make even the most disparaged support specialists the happy and diligent workers they were destined to be.

“The Miracle Dice”
When taking technical support calls, always be sure to carry a dice with you. This will become your single most valuable tool in diagnosing customer support issues, regardless of the technology or problem. Simply listen to the customer describe the issue (press mute to laugh), roll the dice, and BANG, problem solved… Each number on the dice corresponds to the appropriate advice:

  1. Reboot computer 
  2. Format hard drive
  3. Reinstall software
  4. Cycle power
  5. Update required
  6. Return for repair

“The Dismount”
Boredom and tedium in the server room is a common problem for network support people. The sub meat locker temperatures and air craft carrier deck noise levels leave you about as sharp as four month old carrots. Spice up your career by taking it to the edge. Seat yourself in front of a core business server… file server, email server, web server, who gives a shit as long as it will wake up a lot of users if it goes down. All you need is one of those crummy pink pencil erasers:

  1. Log into the server console and attempt to dismount the primary drive.
  2. When the system asks “Are you sure you wish to dismount the primary drive?” press the “Y” key.
  3. Stand 3 metres back from the keyboard, and with your basketball skills in top form, lob your eraser at the Enter key.
  4. You have only three attempts, so make them good.
  5. When you succeed, proceed to clean up evidence of your existence and hastily exit the server room.
  6. When you fail, there’s always another day.