All Facebook posts can essentially be slotted into one of the following uninspiring and unfortunate categories…
I Have Offspring Posts
Congratulations, you’re the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilization. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born… it’s the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders.
The Unsuccessful Motivator Posts
People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and “you can do it, if you change” slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.
Look At Meeeeeeeeeeee Posts
I’m so fun and sexy, wow look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn’t languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of shit watching Seinfeld reruns. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
My Opinions Are Fact Posts
Your petty self interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don’t care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those “facts” you’ve gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture – we don’t give a fuck what you think about ANYTHING!
Squandered Life Posts
The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children, Kraft Dinner again eh?
Granular Detail Posts
“At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice Fuckachino.”, “My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own.”, “All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday’s.”, “This line up is too long, I’m so bored.”, “These extra zesty chips are so ‘yum’”, “Taking break from gardening, maybe I’m not such a green thumb after all LOL.”
Marketing Army Posts
All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Doritos so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they ‘Like’ Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dieing grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.
OK – You’re Married, We Get It Posts
You were married 2 fucking years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we’re all puking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shoveling that wedding cake into the other’s gullet and I’ll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.
And there you have it folks… The Facebook ecosystem in a nut shell.
