We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ‘scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.
Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.
1 STAR – Desperation on Wheels
Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud – I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the shitty 80′s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.
Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.
2 STARS – Tincan Man
Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shit! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud” (cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!
Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ” under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.
3 STARS – The Juvenile Committee
What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night” by Real McCoy? Shit, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9′s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!
Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.
4 STARS – Rolling Disco
Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!
Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!
5 STARS – The Earthquake Epicentre
WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausia and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?
Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equalled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.
