Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” – She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” – She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” – She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”– She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like fucking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” – Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”– Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” – She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”– If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.