A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!”
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, “Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?”
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This very old guy, older than 90, whips back the covers one morning with a big hard on. “What do you think about this, Honey?” he says to his wife.
She says, “Now that you have the wrinkles out of it, why don’t you wash it?”
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There’s a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery was like “Man I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!”
Then the carrot was like “You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!”
Then the dick said “Ya, well I got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!”
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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.
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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?”
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
